i feel like a wreck. i did it again. i thought i was doing a lot better this year, but itās just the start of march and iāve had my first thoughts of death. if you know me very well, you probably still donāt know that i am very often passively suicidal. because i donāt tell anyone. i know its not healthy to keep these feelings inside, but i canāt help myself sometimes. i genuinely feel like i can handle it, i think, āwell im happy when i watch smosh pit so i must not be depressed anymore.ā but i guess im the sort of person who is fine and fine until it all crumbles down. in taylorās song āgold rushā she says, āi donāt like that falling feels like flying till the bone crush.ā i think thats me. thats me and my depression and suicidal thoughts because i feel like im flying, im on top of the world, until suddenly all at once i feel that bone crush and im back to being miserable (again).
im annoyed because some people in my life donāt know me very well. i donāt say much, even when im asked questions, i will often default to the shortest or most polite answer. some people donāt mind it, and they keep talking with me until i eventually feel comfortable enough to open up to them and i will talk a lot more about how i genuinely feel about things. but others, after too many times of them asking how im doing and me saying āpretty goodā, they just kind of get bored of me i think? and they donāt care to talk anymore than that. thatās fine. i donāt care. i like a very small amount of people, and while i wish more people clicked with me, itās not realistic to expect that if i donāt put myself out there.
my problem begins when people donāt get to know me, and so they instead assume whatever they want about who i am, and then they GET MAD AT ME????? FOR STUFF I DIDNT EVEN SAY OR DO, THEY JUST ASSUMED????? like, in grade school that shitās par for the course, but dude. youāre like. a full fuckin adult. youāre almost a decade older than me. you should have the communication skills to TALK TO ME and tell me if you have a problem. tell me if i did something that upset you or made you uncomfortable or annoyed. how am i supposed to be better if you donāt tell me what you need me to do? i consider myself a very adaptable person. if you want me to do something differently, no sweat ill change. but it pisses me off when people think i can read their minds and know what to say or do. i canāt. i dont pick up social cues very well, i need you to just talk to me instead of talking about me behind my back. all through school people just did not want to talk to me. i am not a very approachable person. the few people that actually got past āhi how are youā are my friends today. i think i am a nice person, but i cant be sure because nobody likes me. very few people like me.
i was insufferable as a kid. i was not a kidās kid. i was so quiet. i read books all the time. i cried at everything. i was scared of EVERYTHING. (i was scared of mcdonaldās as a child) i didnāt learn any social skills. my mom didnāt like that i would get bullied (the other kids called me weird and so i cried. nothing much has changed.) so i moved to a different elementary school each year. but being the new kid every year, no one would start a conversation with me because they had all been friends since they were babies or some culty gay shit like that, and so they didnāt need any new friends. when the teacher announced a group or partner project i just didnāt say anything and that usually worked because fuck it, the teacher forgot i existed too.
i really cherish my friends. but i bet they donāt know it because truthfully, i am a shit friend. i wait fucking ages to respond to messages because texting makes me anxious, and when i do itās a meaningless ālmaoā or just a heart emoji. i never initiate hangouts, i never invite people over, i donāt do sleepovers, i donāt do pool parties. i am such an asshole and my friends MY FRIENDS. they are so unbelievably kind. i cannot provide them anything even nearly equivalent to what they provide me. i am a selfish leech. i am an asshole and maybe if i talked more as a kid, or if i wasnāt so ugly, or so sensitive, i wouldnāt be spending my adulthood trying to homeschool myself on basic social interaction. maybe people wouldnāt be scared to talk to me.
anyway, that was kind of the thing that pushed me to the breaking point. i feel so trapped here. not physically, but i want a long pause so i can catch up. im sorry. i say that same phrase all the time. im slow. im dumb. im not saying that to be self deprecating, iām saying it because its true. people look at me and expect me to be someone im not. it makes me want to cry. it makes me want to burst out into tears. i want to sob and scream with tears in my eyes. but physically all i can do is get my eyes watering enough to make my eyeliner bleed into them and it feels like burning. i am not a super strong and smart person, but i genuinely do not care. i never wanted to be that. i just donāt want people to expect that and then be disappointed.
sometimes i try to communicate these feelings, but instagram has a 2,200 character limit, and i donāt think i can draw something to post every time i want to kill myself.
January 13th, 2024
forced into adulthood
so many youtubers are quitting all at once. youtubers that I and so many others grew up alongside. i feel like whether i want to or not, i have to move on and grow up. it's just the way things go, you know. sad i guess. one of my favorite youtube channels, recreyo, is ending in march. i've been watching smosh to kinda fill the void, but im so scared that channel will abruptly end as well. i thought once the pandemic was over, aphmau would go back to posting roleplays, but i guess kids' content gets her way more views and money. i mean i get it, she has a family and kids to raise,,, i just wish she wouldn't leave her og fans in the dust like she did; no goodbye, no explanation. we def could've used an update video, especially since mystreet left off on a cliffhanger! i'm still holding on to hope that she'll finish the series. the top comment on like all of her videos is asking when she'll make another roleplay, and she's been giving cryptic hints at vidcon and stuff.
6/28/24|UPDATE!!! APHMAU JUST RELEASED A TEASER TRAILER FOR MYSTREET SEASON 7!!! CHECK IT OUT:
January 2nd, 2024
high school was the fucking worst
I don't want to say it because I don't want to jinx it, but I feel really good about this year. The vibes so far have been very subtle and very cool. I haven't had a really peak year since maybe the fourth grade? pathetic, I know. But, I feel like at some point life just got away from me. Like, I got distracted by something and was left behind as everyone else got to move forward. Grade school was like hell for me. every time i had an idea about how to get myself back up, I'd be faced with endless homework and projects, and I think that really got to me,,, stressed me out to the point I couldn't process all the changes I was going through at the time. I know I could've done better in school. I knew how to do the work, but the amount of times I had to re-demonstrate my competence in basic skills got to me faster than it was supposed to. I know I could've excelled, but now that it's over, I guess i'm glad i didn't go the over achiever route. I mean, I passed just fine, and I'm in college now, so I wonder how much would be different if I stayed up til 1 am every week instead of letting myself relax and breathe as I did. I'm glad I didn't do shit in high school to be honest.
But more to the point, this is the first year i'm not in grade school. I have more freedom than I've ever had, I can set my own schedule for work and school, and I am responsible for myself. Finally, I have the freedom i've been yearning for since 6th grade. I guess i'm just slower than other people my age, which doesn't bother me, but it makes it hard to operate in this world that prioritizes speed/efficiency. I know I am not the only person experiencing the negative side effects of being forced to wake up at 7am every day for school or a job, even if your body needs to rest. Around this time last year, I got into a really wonderful routine of waking up at 8am, and cooking myself breakfast and lunch each day. the schedule felt so natural, and I had never felt so well rested with so much mental clarity. But a week later, winter break was over, and it was a painful adjustment back to waking up at 6 to get to school on time, and having to eat school lunch instead of getting to cook something nice at home. I was always exhausted and got a lot of migraines, which is not the state you want to be in for retaining information and not being too depressed to care about school. For some people, waking up early and eating school lunch works just fine for them and their routine. But for me, even small changes like that can make me lethargic and demotivated. I love learning, but the american public school system can die in a firey pit. The whole system is outdated, and sets students up to fail unless they learn to memorize guessing tactics and have parents that pick them up from school on time. It's fucked. and all for nothing. My job gives me free school, which I am so very grateful for, but it makes me feel like all the stress I went through trying not to fail was all for nothing. Not to mention the assholes and drama I had to be surrounded by the whole time. I thought I didn't like people, but after graduating, I realize I just don't like the people I was forced to go to school with.
November 28th, 2023
instagram sux (originally written for instagram, but i never posted it there)
iām feeling really cool abt this state of growth and learning about my self iāve been in.
a few months ago i realized iāve fallen out of love with drawing and 2d mediums in general. i think it has a lot to do with my adhd and chronic fatigue syndrome, as well as the pandemic changing me into a whole different person than i was b4.
i used to love everything about drawing. i would fill up my sketchbooks, i watched art youtubers all the time, i drew every single day and it didnāt feel like a chore.
but ever since 2020, idk i just kind of hate it?? i forced myself to draw in hs because thatās what i set myself up for class wise, but i lost a lot of the passion i originally had for it and i think it showed bc i did the bare minimum for my art class and drawing outside of school felt like actual work.
i guess i like it sometimes, like when i make little index card zines, or draw stick figure cats. i really enjoy that low effort ms paint vibe bc it minimizes the process and allows me to skip right to the product. before, when I was like 14, I really enjoyed the process of drawing. the lineart, sketching, coloring, shading, and every step of the process.
but I donāt know, after enough times of spending hours, or sometimes days on something, posting it and getting like 10 likes, Iāve just kind of lost the motivation to put that type of effort into a piece.
I just want to express myself, but if I get the same amount of likes on something that I drew with a mouse on ms paint as a traditional piece that I spent a lot of time on, Iād rather just fuck around with ms paint. nothing personal, i just want to say as much as i can with as little lines as possible.
moving on, i think i spend way too much time online, but specifically
šŖš¬š¤¢INSTAGRAMš¤¬š£šŖ¦
at least on tiktok, discord and tumblr, i can be productive and talk to nice people and have a perfectly curated feed, but instagramās algorithm sucks SO BAD and even though iāve used its tools to curate my feed, they really havenāt helped at all.
Iāll see maybe two art posts from my friends, and the rest is either an ad or an extremely graphic and triggering post.
obviously a lot of terrible things are going on in the world right now, but after my experience during the pandemic dealing with sifting through misinformation and just generally ignorant shit, i know that instagram is not the place i want to get my information from.
itās frustrating to watch the news and read articles about something and then go on instagram to wind down and destress only for it to be more of the same thing except dumber and with important details taken out.
I think everyone should be educated on whatās going on in the world, and i think everyone should do their individual parts to help make things better. but i also think itās not healthy to be thinking about terrible things 24/7. itās not productive, and personally, it only makes me more irritable and depressed.
iām trying really hard to not fail college rn, so i cant afford to be depressed again because whenever i get like that, my mindset is like āi donāt need to do school, i donāt need to go to work, i should just stay in bed bc the world is fucked whether i get up or notā and that just makes everything worse and more difficult for future (sane) me to untangle.
i like tumblr, because i can write a big text post like this, and people will ACTUALLY READ IT!!!!! and comment and reblog and add to the conversationš¤ it feels so nice to actually be heard! instead of pouring my heart out in long captions that maybe 5 of u actually read. thank u if u r reading btw
and like, thatās fine. I get that, because instagram is a visual app itās meant for pictures and reels (whatever those are..?) but tiktok gives me so much more reach, like why would i bother shouting into the void here when tiktok will share my shitposts with 39k people???
itās so nice to wake up to this:
instead of this:
like tbh, all i want is to be heard, and every other site im on can do that no problem. the only thing keeping me here is my besties (you guys reading this) but idk i want to just leave bc it feels like stockholm syndrome bc why do i want to stay on an app that gives me nothing but bad vibesš«¶
i hate instagram, i really do. like i donāt hate *you* guysš¤š«¶š«¶ but ignoring my base hatred of facebook (āmetaā), i cant watch a reel about literally ANYTHING without the comment section making me want to ā¬ļøā¬ļøā¬ļøā¬ļø myself. its genuinely not healthy. the people on here are so fuckin stupid that talking to even the most annoying discord users is like a refreshing glass of water. like why is every taylor swift edit on here shown to ppl who hate taylorš tiktok gives me taylor posts that arenāt filled with hate comments all the damn time, so why cant instagram do that?
i used to be like, āpeople will be the same no matter what social media it is, I just need to change my feed, I need to unfollow toxic people, blah blah blahā
but I think a siteās algorithm actually has a lot to do with how you perceive other people and the world as a whole because if youāre only seeing negative people on one app and not another, itās not the people, itās the app. which is the same reason why twitter is such a cesspool.
these past weeks, iāve been sewing a lot more, and making dolls like i used to. i was gifted a guitar a few weeks ago, so iāve been practicing that. i have been crocheting and baking, i relearned how to play chess, and iāve been learning about fashion and cosplay and tarot reading and iāve actually been READING BOOKS(š±). so many things i didnāt do before.
like, iām not saying itās instagramās fault i wasnāt doing this stuff before, but the sudden mental clarity iāve had from purposefully ignoring my messages on here and turning off notifications, has made it very easy to fill my time with more satisfying things than doomscrolling.
it's like my diary, but public. i don't know why but i feel like i can be totally transparent here. please do not betray my trust.
"It's like you boiled down every angst-ridden Tumblr post into one long, unedited stream of consciousness, assuming anyone cares to dive into the depths of your basement-dwelling, social outcast psyche. Spoiler alert: they don't. No one wants to scroll through your wannabe-deep thoughts and emo ramblings. This website isnāt just a cry for attention; it's a screaming, wailing siren that you're drowning in your own bottomless pit of self-pity. Get a grip."
6/28/24|UPDATE!!!
CHECK IT OUT:
sad i guess. one of my favorite youtube channels, recreyo, is ending in march. i've been watching smosh to kinda fill the void, but im so scared that channel will abruptly end as well. 
